Day Nine (Beware of rants!)

Dear David, 

After we finished talking, I was trying to charge my phone. Let me tell you, trying the plug your charger into the wall socket while it's pitch black is like doing calculus after you've had some 8 shots of tequila. It ain't fucking happening. 

Also, I'm not sure what I are yesterday, but oh my goodness I woke up like twice during the night to go to the bathroom... Once at like 3 and again at 5. God damn. I don't think it's food since I had home food... I think it's just stress. 

I feel a lot better after our conversation last night. More like first thing today. But I dunno. I think you're right. I'm living in some sort of fantasy world designed after all the dramas I watch. 

But is that really a bad thing? Is it an uncommon thing? 

I enjoy watching romantic comedies, whether it be dramas, movies, or anime. I don't think I'm the only one though. I bet millions of other people, mostly female I'm guessing...do the same thing. They fantasize about the love life they wish the could have. To feel that love and joy...who wouldn't want that? 

Or maybe it's because the fantasy world I've created for myself is just more appealing than my real life seems. It's like I'm trying to escape from all my troubles and anxieties. Watching funny, loving dramas gives me that comfort that it gets better. 

Over-thinking everything is just my nature. I've been like that since I was a  child. I get paranoid easily and worry over basically everything. 

There was a period of time where I felt as if my brother (I think I told you about Eric, right?) became a ghost and was -I wouldn't say haunting- interacting with my daily life. 

^ I was a crazy ass kid. 

Maybe one day I'll over come my anxieties and grow out of these habits of worrying and paranoia. It's unlikely, but possible. 

Anyway, I really enjoyed our conversation. I haven't laughed that hard in such a long time. It felt nice to be able to have a long talk again. :) 

I promised you no dramas/anime/anything for a week until I get my shit together. I think it could be good for me, just to get my mind back in order before senior year starts.  I need to get rid of my fantasy world and come back to reality now that I'm growing up. I don't like having to do this, though. It feels like I have to sacrifice a part of me to get everything back in order. But as Buddha/God/enlightened people somewhere once said (Perhaps? At least the message is clear even if super paraphrased ): Sacrifice is necessary for self fulfillment. 

I'll try documenting my feels as I proceed a week, maybe longer, without said things. I think giving up *coughyouknowwhatwordisherebecausetelepathycough* will be the hardest. Just because I'm so used to it. You know, hormones and things like that. 

Oh, and I'm still in the process of trying to convince my parents to send me to Korea for once week next summer. :| My dad is like hell nawwwww. Mom is like "We can't promise shit. Show us you can study first and take care of yourself."

I feel really concerned about my future, David. Whether I'll get into a good college or not. Whether I'll get a good job, and make a name for myself in this lifetime. Whether I'll settle down someday and have a family or die alone with cats and dogs eating my corpse. 

Truth is no one really knows what the future holds. Plans you make today can fall through tomorrow. Nothing is really for sure. (Except for family. that shit don't change.) Whether it be friendships, relationships, or even marriage. Everything has it's course and finally comes to an end. It just depends whether you're alive to see it or not. 

I dunno, I just need some sort of assurance that two people can someday fall in love and just stay together for good, like in the older days. That's why I've always had so much respect for Indians or couples who have had an arranged marriage. Their relationship is based off of respect and understanding that overtime slowly develops into something deeper, a mutual love. They don't have to be in love with each other, but just love each other and care for each other. That's the sort of future I want. I don't want to fall in love with anyone, I just want someone who I can spend the rest of my life with while we take care of each other. 

I think I'm slowly slowly becoming cynical. But I swear I'm probably gonna end up in arranged marriage. Wanna bet?

This rant is sponsored by the makers of caffeinated drinks everywhere. Drink responsibly after 5pm. 

(I had a cup of coffee at 9 pm since I had to study. Didn't sleep til 3 am. fml)

I guess I didn't get enough rest or study enough because the final was an absolute BITCH. Before my final, I had an 86% average. I needed to get like 101% to get a raw A. We both know that isn't gonna happen at this point. But if I get a 80% on the final exam, I get an 85% in the class. I guess a B is better than nothing, huh?

It was sorta cloudy today. But it was just right. 

I'm just so mad though. His quizzes and tests were fairly simple. But more than half of his test was like a final exam from hell... He never went over it thoroughly. 

I have to wait a couple weeks now to get my final score in the class. Maybe by some chance of god, I get a high B. I don't know though, man. 

I guess I should just forget about it, now. I did the best that I could. Even if I had sat the last 30 minutes to stare at the last couple problems, it's not like it would have magically come to me. I just feel...a bit disappointed. 

I got home and plopped on the couch with Jake's banana milk. Don't worry, that's the only thing I touched from his bag... I'll put a pudding cup in there when I give it to him next week. Then I had a couple chocopies out of sadness while I watched Disney channel. That's what my life has come to. 

For dinner, dad bought some pizza! Yummyyy! He knows how to make me feel better :3 Something about unhealthy things that bring you temporary comfort. I couldn't take a picture since we all devoured it...

But yup, that's my day. 

Love, 

Asian Mother